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June 03 2017

taintedworld:

when you follow a group of friends and you always see them talking on your dash and you want to join in and be friends with them but you have the social skills of a rock so you just sit there watching like

June 02 2017

luminarystarlet:

let’s play ‘find the main character’

March 27 2017

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apiratenhisprincess:

4ngelo:

theodorepython:

miami-tea:

The Defibrillator Toaster

My mom would be so annoyed… every morning I would run into the kitchen screaming “WE’RE LOSING THEM!!! BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP!”

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME, DAMNIT!!!  NURSE, WE NEED 12 CC’S OF CREAM CHEESE, STAT!!!”

He’s bread, Jim.

Time of deliciousness: 7:15 A.M

If we don’t restart his heart , he’s toast! 

JESUS CRUST.

JAM IT!

“Daddy’s in a butter place now, kids.”

I WASN’T EVEN GOING TO REBLOG UNTIL I SAW THE SHIT TON OF PUNS

HES BREAD JIM

JESUS CRUST

To pay my respects, Ill be sure to place a flour on his grave.

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iamanemotionaltimebomb:

ultrafacts:

vancity604778kid:

artificial-admin:

ultrafacts:

Source See more facts HERE

mY CHILDHOOD FEAR WAS A GAME LIKE THIS

There is also one called “Clocky”, an alarm clock that runs away and hides if you don’t get out of bed on time. When the alarm sounds you can snooze one time. If you still don’t wake up, Clocky will jump off of the bedside table, and wheel away, mindlessly bumping into objects until he finds a spot to rest. You’ll have to get up and out of bed to silence his alarm. Clocky will find new spots everyday, kind of like a hide-and-seek game.

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The Drill Sergeant Alarm Clock will continue to insult you from one of the 10 phrases stored in the clock until you wake up.

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This alarm clock wakes you up with bacon

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The Smash Alarm Clock. You literally smash the top to shut it off.

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The Flying Alarm Clock. Once the alarm sounds, the helicopter flies away and the only way to shut it off is to return it back to it’s base.

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The Target Alarm Clock. As soon as the alarm rings you have to aim and fire the laser gun. Once you hit the bullseye the alarm will shut off.

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Mr Bump allows you to physically throw your alarm clock against the wall to turn it off in the morning.

Never knew there was an alarm clock fandom until today

toastyhat:

Reblog and tag with the one Disney movie you watched OVER AND OVER AGAIN as a kid.  If you did that.

r-rebxllious:

teaforyourginaa:

lordbape:

sending “I hope you get that job” vibes to the people out here tryna get jobs

reblogging for yall bc the shit worked for me lol

Karma will pop me if I don’t

neo-age:

geistygeist:

theelderscrotes:

when u gently put ur ear close to ur cat and u hear their motor running…. thats a fine engine, no problems here

A well-tuned cat. All eight cylinders firing together.

musicofthestage:

we were in the middle of a full dress rehearsal today, music all intense and blaring, and suddenly everything stops and there’s a moment of silence before the director yells “WHOSE. BAGEL. IS ON. THE STAGE.

itsagifnotagif:

When you want good grades but have no motivation to do the work:

straygodess:

brooklyn nine nine is really good to us when it comes to friendships, because every character has such unique friendships and bonding scenes with the others but i dont think we talk about rosas and charles friendship enough because damn:

- we start the show with charles being heads over heels for rosa, who is clearly not interested

- rosa tells him, very clearly, that she thinks hes sweet and really likes him as a friend but shes not interested in dating him

- it takes charles some time to get over her, but he does!! apologizes for being weird and making her uncomfortable!! and they go on having an incredibly strong and close friendship!!

- at one point charles even takes a bullet for her, which could have led to the whole “just give him a chance” trope but nope b99 doesnt do that bs, they talk it out and they never end up together

- they are so close that charles even helps rosas bf to plan for her birthday because he knows her so well!! she loves it!!

- rosa asks charles to be her bridesmaid because they are so close and she knows charles would love that!! he does!!

- charles plans her the best bachelorette party and rosa absolutely loves it!! she gets so excited she literally lifts charles up from the floor??

- sometimes between working cases they go to have foot massages together?? that was so cute??

- charles helps rosa text her boyfriend?? because shes not that great at pickup lines?? how cute??

- the writers could have easily opted to go with the “less attractive man falls for his way hotter coworker whos not interested but ends up giving him a chance because he is nice (and wont stop pestering her)” trope but instead we got this beautiful beautiful brotp

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(http://smolsamberg.tumblr.com/post/141985441412/this-is-the-best)

thank you nine nine

March 24 2017

thelibrawrian:

i was thinking about the weirdest phone calls i got when i still worked at the public library and i remembered this one phone call. it was probably less than 20 seconds long, but it still makes me laugh.

anyways, this woman called and without even saying hello after i said the usual “public library, how can i help you?” spiel, she said, “i have a very important question: when you shelve books, do you push them all to the front of the shelf or all the way back?”

it took me a second to process the question and then i answered that, at the library, we always shelve them so that they are even with the front edge so they’re easier to grab and see. she was obviously delighted by this answer and then, as if an afterthought, she asked, “okay, what about you? what do you do at home with your books?” i said i did the same thing. she hummed in obvious agreement and then just like that she said “thank you!” and hung up.

i never heard from her again. i hope she won whatever argument she was having.

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fiery-skyline:

About the only thing that made me laugh today

oldlaundry:

sometime you’re naked…. sometimes you’re not. depends

sikamikanic0:

mjalti:

why come they called him “beast” in the castle when everyone knew his name cuz they’d been working for him forever anyway? like …. i would just be like “hey chewbacca-Adam” or some shit, there’s no reason to call him beast … id hide in my room all day too if my employees started making fun of me..

Imagine being made fun of by a Fucking talking plate like, the humiliation

March 23 2017

childlikemperor:

did anybody else grow up bein that one friend who was in the group but not really IN the group??? like your friends would go places and throw parties and not invite u n stuff????? idk that really fucked up my self esteem hbu

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dukeofbookingham:

denchgang:

bluecaptions:

How English has changed in the past 1000 years.

the big mans a lad i have fuck all, he lets me have a kip in a field he showed me a pond 

@englishmajorhumor

catbong:

*petting my cat* please cure my depression
cat: *prrbhbphr*
me: thanks

averagefairy:

why do they even sell phone screen cleaning wipes haven’t you ever heard of rubbing your phone on your boob til it’s clean? you can’t sell me anything more effective than my own tiddy

whoopsrobots:

you-only-liberate-once:

my host mom in Japan referred to her Roomba as “Roomba-san” and when it would get stuck she would just look over it and softly say “ganbatte, Roomba-san…ganbatte” as it made distressed beeping noises at her

Ganbatte: Cheer up, Be courageous, Do your best”

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